Funny Getting Older Jokes
Do You Laugh At Getting Older? I Do, Then Sometimes I Cry.
Here are some "Funny Getting Older Jokes" we received from you at AgelessFx. We'll add 'em as we get 'em. You'll find them on several "Joke" pages as well as scattered around our website.
You know what they say "All work and no play..."
To relieve the serious side of the business (hey, growing older gracefully is work!), we present these Funny Getting Older Jokes so that you can step back, and laugh a little about something we don't have any control over.
Send us your jokes, videos & funny stories about growing older. Use the form near the bottom of this page. If accepted, we'll publish it throughout our magazine.
One day an 80 year old man went to the drug store and asked for some Viagra. "No problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces?"
"That won't do you much good," said the pharmacist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet!"
One night a mature couple are in bed when the old man raises his arse out of the bed and lets out a huge fart.
"One to zero!" he shouts.
"What was that all about?" asked his wife.
"It's called fart football," the old man said, "and I'm winning one to zero!"
His old wife then lets go with a huge stinking fart and says, "Tied up - One to One!"
The old man then does another one with his wife easily keeping up. Realising that he could be beaten at his own game, the old man tried to squeeze out a real big one, but instead shits all over the bed, letting out a huge squeaking sound.
"What was that?" asked his wife.
"Half time," said the old man, "Now we swap sides!"
Games for When We Are Older
- Sag, You're It
- Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
- 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
- Kick the Bucket
- Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
- Doc Goose
- Simon Says Something Incoherent
- Hide and Go Pee
- Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
- Musical Recliners
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Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Lying about my age is easier now that I often forget what it is.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
There's one good thing about growing old. If you watch a movie that you have seen before but you do not remember it, you can watch it like its the first time again!
Thanks Donnie Grey, Greensburg, Indiana, Decatur.
There's more Funny Getting Older Jokes Below....
Subscribe for 1 Year, 12 issues SAVE 36% by clicking on magazine image at left - Humor Times Magazine is for those who love to laugh! Full of hilarious editorial cartoons and humor columns, it keeps you smiling all year! Let's face it, with every year that passes you need another reason to laugh. So start with the finest political cartoonists, who portray events on the world stage while adding their own irreverent commentary. Then you get humor columnists such as nationally known comedian Will Durst and others, and a section of satirical 'fake news.'
We all need more funny getting older jokes. read on.. and send us yours!
One day an 75 year old man arrived for his monthly check up and smiled when the doctor asked about his health.
"I have never felt better," said the old man, "I have taken an 20 year old bride, and she is pregnant. What do you think of that?"
After a moment the doctor said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in late, and in the rush to go out he took his umbrella instead of his rifle. When he got deep into the woods he suddenly came face to face with a huge bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened then?"
"No, what happened?" replied the old man.
"The bear fell dead in front of him!" said the doctor.
"That's impossible," replied the old man, "Somebody else must have been doing the shooting!"
"Now you've got my message!" said the doctor
How Well We Age is a Collection of Aging Jokes Posted by Humorist Christopher Howell on the Anti-aging Online Magazine AgelessFX
An old fellow contemplating his years told his wife, When I die and if I make it to Heaven keep looking up. If you see a rope coming down it's me. Grab
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Now that I'm older there are two things I firmly believe in, One is Niagra Falls and the other is Viagra rises ! Editor: Thanks Christopher! Here's what
Now that my wife and I are grand parents we have an allotment! With the never ending digging and work I now know why they are called 'Allotment' A lot
Like a baby...
Sam and Louis lived in a retirement home. One day they were sitting in the lounge, and Sam turned to Louis and said, “Louis, I’m ninety years old, and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Louis replied, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a baby?” Sam asked, puzzled.
“Yes,” replied Louis, “I’ve got no hair, no teeth—and I think I just wet myself.”
Thanks Sam! from NH
I attended a wedding the other day with my granddaughter and as we were following the crowd in for the reception, my granddaughter observed that my slip was showing. She quietly whispered "Grandma it's snowing down south!!!"
I whispered back "Darling, Grandma is just grateful that it's not raining!!!"
- Thanks Barb! from MS
Grandma to her Grand Daughter,"Here is my advice, l have no use for it now."
-S M Moodley, from South Africa, Thanks!
Don't Forget To Send Us YOUR Funny Getting Older Jokes or Videos. Scroll Down For The Form.
With Age Comes Experience:
The sad thing about experience is that by the time you have it, nobody wants it!
Thanks Harry Pennington
You think you're getting older when:
You are reading this entire website hoping that none of these comments apply to you!
By the time:
By the time you can afford to eat anything you want... you can no longer eat anything you want!
Thank you: Ernie Wright
Lake Norman, NC
You know you're getting older when you look in the mirror and say,
Thanks to: Barney Vinson
Las Vegas, NV
At my age....when I see a pretty young woman,
I wonder what her mom looks like
Contributed by & Thanks to:
Brad Prather, Port Ludlow, WA
Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks
You know you're getting older when you've run out of things to learn the hard way
Contributed by & Thanks to: Ronald Howard Riverton, Wyoming
Older than Dirt
I've heard some people say that my dad is older than dirt. Not true, he discovered it!
Thanks Dave Doty, Lake Placid, FL
You know you're getting older when you've heard yourself say, "Because I told you so!"
At my age rolling out of bed in the morning is easy...getting up off the floor is another story.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
At my age happy hour is nap time.
There are 3 Ages of Man: youth, middle age, and you look good!
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . You just hoped nobody ever found
Fortunately I'm too poor to have a mid-life crises.
Don't let aging get you down--it's too hard to get back up!
When your joints are more accurate than the weatherman's, you know you're getting older!
"Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers
"The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older." --Doug Larson
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard Baruch
More funny getting older jokes continue below...
Funny Getting Older Jokes And One-Liners
You know you're getting old when you need a vacation, from your vacation!
The dangerous age is anywhere between one and ninety-nine
Our aim in life improves as we grow older, but it seems that we soon run out of ammunition
Some people are like plants, some go to seed with age, and others just go to pot
You have arrived at old age when all you can put your teeth into... is a glass
You know you're getting older when it takes you longer to get over having a good time than it took to have it!
Darn, old age is unpredictable. One morning you wake up.. and there you have it
You're getting older when you are on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does
Children are a comfort to us in old age, and they'll help us reach it faster, too!
Growing older is when you really learn what the statue of limitations is all about
You just can't win. When you get too old for pimples, you go right into wrinkles!
There are 3 things that indicate you are getting older, first there is loss of memory....... ......
The worse thing about growing old is having to listen to the advise of one's children
Does it take you longer to rest than it did to get tired?
You're getting older when the girl you just smiled at thinks you are one of her father's friends
Remember when you saved up for old age? Now you just save up for April 15th
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old. It's knowing that he's married to a grandmother
You are getting older when you remember when a girl with hidden charms, hid them.
Do you have a funny Getting Older Joke? Use the form below and send it to me!
Breaking Up Thanks to: Rulie Folsom
My daughter came home crying one night "Oh mom we broke up" she cried , "or actually he broke up with me." I'm not too old to remember a broken heart, so I put my arm around her and assured her that her heart would mend in time."
Then she said...
"Oh, I don't really care that we broke up, its just that i wanted to be the one to do it!"
These Funny Getting Older Jokes are Quotes
An Idaho man said, "At my age, by the time I find temptation, I'm too tired to give in to it."
George Burns once said, "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself."
An aging gentleman in the hospital refused to eat a bowl of jello. He told the nurse, "I'm not going to eat anything that's more nervous than I am."
"I'm not saying she's getting older, but when she lit the candles on her birthday cake, five people passed out from heat exhaustion."
An antique dealer told me, "Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less."
Grandpa said, "By the time a man finds greener pastures, he's too old to climb the fence."
Growing older is when, "You're too old for castor oil and too young for Geritol."
My secretary says that, "Some people grow up and spread cheer; others just grow up and spread."
... and funny getting older jokes from the best expert on aging...
George Burns used to get a standing ovation just for walking up on stage. It was confusing to him. He said, "All it took for me to get here, was a little time."
Funny Getting Older Jokes
I Got You Started, It's Your Turn
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Share YOUR funny getting older jokes, quotes and one-liners below. They will be added at the end of this page as links and open in their own page. Come on, show us that we have to grow old - but don't have to grow up!
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What Other Visitors Have Shared
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Definition: Allotment Not rated yet
Now that my wife and I are grand parents we have an allotment ! With the never ending digging and work I now know why they are called 'Allotment' A lot …
Definition: Allotment Not rated yet
Now that my wife and I are grand parents we have an allotment!
With the never ending digging and work I now know why they are called 'Allotment' A lot …
Two Things I Now Believe In Not rated yet
Now that I'm older there are two things I firmly believe in, One is Niagra Falls and the other is Viagra rises !
Editor: Thanks Christopher!
Birthdays Not rated yet
I don't celebrate birthdays anymore.
I am so absent minded that I don't remember when I was born.
The last time I had a birthday cake it set off …
Loosing your memory! Not rated yet
I am losing my memory.
The other morning I was sitting on the edge of the bed, unshaven, with my head in my hands trying to wake up and my wife walks …
Old as dirt Not rated yet
Some say my Dad is as old as dirt. Wrong! He discovered it.
Click here to write your own.
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