How Well We Age: An Indecent Proposal?
A small quaint chemists which was owned by two elderly spinster sisters had just opened for business when an agitated young man burst through it's doors and was attended by one of the sisters behind the counter. She enquired if she could help him with anything?
The young man fidgeted and furtively stammered "Er... Excuse me... But... But have you got anything or can you suggest anything for an embarrassing problem that I have?"
The old lady looked at the very nervous young man and calmly asked, "And what exactly is your problem...young man?" The young man became silent and was goaded into answering
"Well...you see I am sexually aroused perpetually and have sex on my mind all the time... what can you give me for it?"
The old woman glared at him for what seemed like ages and finally said "Please wait here young man I'm just going to have a word with my sister... I'll be right back!" She was gone awhile and returned with her sister and excitedly whispered to him
"Well we can offer you £500 per week and a third share in the business!
Little Johnny went into school as usual and was immediately asked by his teacher why he didn't attend class the previous day.
He just casually replied "My Grand Dad got burnt miss "The teacher gasped "Oh Dear...I hope it wasn't too serious, Johnny?"
Johnny triumphantly said "Well they don't mess around at the CREMATORIUM miss!"
Grandpa at the Zoo
A grandfather took his young grandson to the zoo expecting to see all the varied animals held within. Unfortunately, due to quarantine most of the enclosures were empty. So they walked from one empty enclosure to another and grandfather was becoming quite despondent when they both came upon an enclosure and housed within was a small hairy little dog looking all forlorn and lonely.
The young grandson bleated out "Look Gramps!....it's a little doggie!" Grandfather tried to make best of a bad situation and said "Why yes...so it is...isn't it lovely?"
The grandson studied the dog intently and then asked " What type of dog is it...Gramps ? " Grandfather pondered for a while and then responded " I think it's a Shih Tzu son"
The youngster quickly retorted "I KNOW THAT GRAMPS !....BUT WHAT KIND OF DOG IS IT?"
The Oil Rig
A kind old man who led a good and fulfilling life peacefully died of old age. God appeared by his bed to comfort and allay any fears that the old boy might have before he was welcomed into heaven due to the wonderful deeds that the old man had orchestrated in his life helping others.
God asked if there was anything that he could do for him as a reward and final gesture before they were on their way? The old soul thought for a minute and asked "Absolutely anything...?" God replied "Anything you desire and it will happen my son".
The old boy carried on "Well my lord...as I led a very poor and simple life...I never ventured far and have never had a holiday so I have never seen the sea so as my final wish I would like to walk on a beach and see the sea please?" God instantly transported them to a beautiful deserted sun kissed beach and calm blue sea.
As they strolled along the old man glanced out to the horizon and spotted an oil platform way out at sea. He inquired as to what it was and God replied "That my friend is an oil rig where man drills into the ocean bed and pumps oil back to use as fuel". The old man said that he had never seen one and asked if they could get closer? God replied, "Of course my son" and proceeded to wade into the water accompanied by the old boy.
They had waded out about ten feet and the water was around the old chap's waist whilst it only lapped around God's ankles...further out they went and the old timer had to swim vigorously and still the water only lapped around God's ankles. Another few feet and struggling even more the old guy finally conceded and panting he said "I...I'm sorry my lord but I can't go any further...I can't perform miracles like you...please forgive me...?"
God replied "I'm so sorry my son...I thought that you wanted to have a swim?...Please step up on this PIPE LINE behind me?"
Police! Help! Someone's Broken into my Car!
An old lady made a frantic phone call to her local police station stating that thieves had broken into her car and stolen several items. The officer on the end of the line asked the hysterical old dear to calm down and to describe everything that was stolen.
She exclaimed " They've taken everything...the car radio, the steering wheel, the dash, the gear stick, they've even stolen the brake pedal, clutch and accelerator !
The officer was lost for words when after awhile the old woman's daughter came on the line and apologized saying her mother had climbed into the back seat by mistake !
A group of old friends were celebrating the birthday of one of their colleagues by all meeting at the newest curry restaurant in their town to celebrate the occasion. Each in turn were well and truly into their favourite curry and all were having a marvellous time when as custom would have it the attending waiter came over and cordially asked if everyone was enjoying their meals.
He finally reached the birthday boy and inquired "Curry okay....sir"
The birthday boy thought for a moment and then responded,
"Karaoke....it's not really my thing but put me down for one verse of 'My Way' by Frank Sinatra!"
An unshaven and unkempt old war veteran was limping and dragging one of his legs along the pavement when he noticed another old man coming in the opposite direction also dragging one his legs. So, as they came up to each other the veteran said
" Vietnam...1969 ! "
To which the approaching old boy replied "Dog Crap !...10 yards back!"
It's for my Dog... Honest
An old chap had to have a new plastic knee replacement after a long wait on the National Health due to his poor circumstances. The day of his operation came and as he was wheeled into theater he caught hold of the surgeon's hand and asked, "Can I please have the bone for my dog? "
An Elderly Mugging
An old lady was walking home late one night when suddenly out from the shadows jumped a dishevelled young man who demanded that she hand over all her money or else !
"B...B... But I haven't got any money on me...I never carry any...in case I get mugged " stammered the frightened old woman.
Not believing her at all...the young mugger stated that he was going to search her and started at her shoulders
...along her arms
...around her chest
...and finally under her skirt!
He thoroughly frisked the poor old soul and had to accept defeat and started to walk away feeling frustrated.
Just then, the old dear called out " Oh...don't stop please...I..I can write you a cheque ? "
The queen of England was visiting a large navel base and the captains stationed there proudly stood in front of their moored vessels eagerly awaiting her majesty's visit. There was a British captain, an American captain and a rather disheveled scruffy old Italian captain.
The queen finally arrived and as she greeted the British captain she asked him what do the initials H.M.S on his captains hat stood for ? The captain proudly replied " Her Majesty's Service....Ma'am "...moving along she asked the same question of the American captain what did U.S.N on his hat stood for ? to which he replied " United States Navy...Ma'am "
She eventually looked at the little old wrinkled Italian captain and looking at the initials on his hat asked
" What pray does I.M.B stand for ? " To which the little old wizened chap proudly replied " It'sa Ma Boat....! "
Two Nuns and Vampire Bats
An elderly mother superior and her young novice nun were driving home late at night in darkest Transylvania when suddenly their car was surrounded by a colony of vampire bats. Immediately the young novice nun became very frightened and agitated and looked to the mother superior for divine guidance. The mother superior sensed her novice's concerns and calmly said
" Don't worry my dear....just wind down your window and show them your cross "
To which the novice did as she was asked and shouted out " Piss off!.. you little runts!"
(I believe mother superior is saying a few Hail Mary's for this one)
How Well Do You Age Questionnaire?
Q : What genteel Japanese Art Form do some old timers take up ?
A : ORIGUMMI !
During the days of the old wild west two soldiers whilst out on patrol got lost and found themselves in the searing heat of the desert and eventually ran out of water. Parched and exhausted they crawled their way into an Indian village where upon they were captured, tied to the totem pole.
They were about to be interrogated by the chief who could just about speak pigeon English but due to their throats being so dry couldn't utter a word. On realizing this, the chief granted them water to quench their thirst and then proceeded with his interrogation.
But still they couldn't utter a word so the chief summoned his trusted old witch doctor and commanded him " Make speak !....have many questions ? "
The soldiers looked on still unable to speak as the wizened old witch doctor reached into a pouch tied around his waist, pulled out some white powder and dusted it on both men's mouths. Miraculously and slowly the soldiers started to mutter some words and were amazed.
When eventually they had recovered enough all they wanted to know was what the mysterious miracle powder was ?...
" Yes...we will answer all questions but first we have to know what was that white powder sprinkled on us ? they asked of the chief. " The chief looked at his old witch doctor and commanded " Tell...! "
The wise old witch doctor calmly said " IT....TALKUM POWDER ! "
Ghostly Experiences for the Aged?
A seminar was held at a local town hall one day and was attended by quite a few people who were eager to share their experiences with unearthly phenomena that couldn't be explained. So the discussion got under way with UFO sightings to ghostly experiences etc. Each speaker stood up in turn to tell their story however far fetched and most experiences featured mainly ghosts.
As the guest speaker chose any individual who put their hand up to tell their story a little old man who was rather deaf was chosen and asked for his experience with a ghost? The meek old chap nervously stood up and stammered and hesitated as he was asked
"Come...come old friend don't be afraid...share with us your experience with a ghost?" The little old man looked around and looked at everyone turned up his hearing aid and stammered "...G..Ghost...I thought you said GOAT!"
An old Grand Dad was so keen on fishing that whatever the weather he would still go fishing especially on the most harshest of cold days thinking that the temperature would keep other anglers away. On one particular freezing morning he visited his favorite pond which was completely iced over and deserted...he carefully slid across the icy pond and instinctively he proceeded to chip away the ice to make a little hole into which he could drop in his hook and line.
When he had everything to his satisfaction he opened a little box and placed a now frozen worm on the end of his hook and dropped it in the hole and waited...and waited...and waited. After what seemed like a couple of hours he noticed a little boy straddle across the ice near to him armed with only a stick...a piece of string and a bent safety pin.
He also proceeded to make his ice hole and with his back turned to the now curious old boy he hooked his worm and it popped in the hole....within a few minutes he had a bite and pulled up a fat wriggling fish much to the astonishment of the now transfixed old codger. When the little boy unhooked his catch he turned away again and put another worm on the end of his line and repeated everything again by catching another fish!
The old chap couldn't contain himself anymore and asked the little boy what his secret was...the young lad felt sorry for the old pensioner and mumbled through pursed lips "Roo Raf Roo Reep Ra Rurms Rarm!"
Thinking he had heard wrongly the old boy asked "What did you say?" ...again the lad repeated "Roo Raf Roo Reep Ra Rurms Rarm!" exasperated the old codger bellowed "YOU WHAT LADDIE!... OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SPEAK PROPERLY!"
The young lad opened his mouth and dribbled copious amount of spit mixed with slimy wriggling worms and shouted "YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM!"
Two Elderly Spinsters
Two rather naive elderly spinsters decided that they would venture further afield and holiday in America for the very first time. After a long and excited flight they exited the airport and stepped onto American soil.
They were extremely hungry decided to look for some food where upon they spotted a street vendor selling hot dogs. Looking aghast one said to the other
" They eat dogs here....? " They both decided on trying it anyway and receiving hers first and having examining it Elsie turned to her friend and asked " What part of the dog did you get....? "
How Well We Age? Like a Canoe
Three old hardened gold prospectors working in the wild west are captured by red Indians and are each tied to a totem pole awaiting their fate by the chief... all are British...an Englishman, a Scotsman and a proverbial Irishman. Finally the chief makes his appearance and walks up to the old Englishman who keeps a stiff upper lip as he approaches, the chief rips open his shirt rubs his milky white chest and says "Hmmm... mighty smooth soft skin... make fine canoe... take away and skin...make last request now?" The Englishman grits his teeth and says "Not on your bloody Nellie...old chap!" as he's taken away.
He next goes up to the old Scotsman who just stares him in the eye as again the chief rips open his shirt and rubs his huge chest and utters
"Hmmm...mighty rough skin...make strong canoe...take away and skin...make last request now?" The Scotsman grunts "Up yours Jimmy!" and he is taken away.
Finally he walks up to the old Irishman who is grinning to himself and rips open his shirt as he proceeds to rub his wrinkled chest and says " Hmmm...mighty stretchy skin...make big canoe...take away and skin...make last request now ? " The old Irishman grins and says "To be sure chief...could I please have a fork?"
The chief as well as the rest of the tribe are perplexed as a fork is found and handed to the old Irishman who takes it and proceeds to stab himself all over his chest shouting " You're not making a frigging canoe outta ME!"
Early Bird Catches The Worm
A grand father was in the garden with his young grandson and was looking on proudly when the young lad noticed a worm coming out of the soil. When the worm had fully emerged the grandson picked up the wriggly creature and proceeded to try and put the worm back into the hole from where it came but to no avail due to it's soft body.
Grand dad looked on as his grandson became quite agitated whereby the little boy ran off suddenly and quickly returned holding a can of his mother's hairspray. He stretched out the worm and proceeded to copiously spray the little worm until it was completely rigid, then he gently pushed it back into it's hole.
The next day grand dad gave the little boy £5 to which the grandson was perplexed but greatly appreciative " Thanks Gramps " said the little boy to which grand dad replied "It's not from me son, it's from Grand Ma !"
Like A Washing Machine
Why are old women similar to washing machines?
Because when they're young they make your head spin resulting in a vigorous tumble awash with warm memories and finally a BLUE RINSE !
My Dad's Profession Was A ...
My dear old dad's profession was a Diesel Fitter....he used to go to second hand sales and hold up old ladies underwear stating
"These'll fit her"
The Old Man and The Frog
An 80 year old man enters his doctors surgery with a frog on his forehead. The doctor looks up and gasps "Good God!...what is that?"
The frog replies "I've no idea...it started off as a wrinkly little boil this morning!"
Some Relationships Were Meant To Last
My dear old Mum and Dad had a 'Fastidious' relationship!...Yes...she was Fast and he was Hideous
Heartwarming Golden Anniversary
An elderly couple who had been married for 50 years sat down to breakfast as usual when the aged wife lovingly looked at her dear old husband and said "Do you know Harold, in all the wonderful years that I have spent with you...I have never felt such a warm feeling in my heart like I feel today?"
The old husband looked up at her and said "It's no wonder Dorothy, because you have one breast in your coffee and the other in your porridge!"
An old boy went to his local optometrist for his first eye test due to his failing eyesight. The optometrist said that all of his test equipment was locked away and that he couldn't find the key ! But he could still carry out the appointment using the old method if that was acceptable.
The old boy nodded and so the optometrist sat him down and asked him to place his right hand over his right eye and read the test screen with his left eye. The confused old boy who couldn't distinguish his left from his right, placed his right hand over his left eye proceeded to try and read the test screen
"No...no...the right hand over the right eye.... " Noticing that the old boy was becoming agitated the optometrist found a large paper bag and cut out an eyehole and placed it over the now nervous patient over his right eye.
The old boy did his test and when he had finished the bag was turned so that it was now over his left eye and asked to read again. When that also finished the optometrist cut two eyeholes so that he could complete the examination. He then heard the old boy whimpering under the bag so he inquired as to why?
The old boy stammered "I...I..really fancied a pair like Elton John !"
How Well We Age When: Growing Old
Old people usually shrink in stature as they age so why do we say 'GROWING OLD' ??
Sting, Lead Singer of The Police
Did you know Sting once released a song about old people? Yes....it was called 'Don't stand so COLOSTOMY'!
(Yeah, now that's how well we age..)
God Is With Me?
Dear old grand dad was having breakfast with the rest of the family one morning when he said " I think god is very close to me and is looking after my welfare..."
The whole family became curious at his statement and his daughter asked " What do you mean dad ? "
Grand dad carried on explaining " Well only last night I woke and went to the bathroom as soon as I opened the door the light came on miraculously to help me find my way and although it was cold I felt comforted that God was with me and looking out for me and when I had finished God put the light out before I closed the door and went back to bed..."
The daughter gawped in horror and immediately ran across the room and screamed out " Dad ! You've peed in the fridge again ! "
How Well We Age, huh?
New Beauty Treatment
Elsie the 80 year old wife of Wilfred who was 82 was getting ready for bed one evening when Elsie shouted at him from the bathroom
" Wilf I had the latest beauty treatment called HYDRAFACIAL....." she waited for a response and on getting none she went into the bedroom and again repeated..." Well what do you think of my Hydrafacial treatment...Wilf ? "
Wilfred was stuck for words and finally replied " Well which of the Gorgan sisters are you meant to be...? "
How Well We Age: Those Nagging Questions
Q: When do old people usually become aroused ?
A: Around meal times!
Q: What should a woman do if she finds old age creeping up on her?
A: Kick him in the nuts !
Q: What's the usual colour of old people's underwear?
Q: What's the difference between an Old Fat Woman and a spinster?
A: One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it !
Thought: If old people are always on tablets how come they don't know how to text?
The Old Blind Man
A young lad was walking along the pavement when he noticed an old blind man and his guide dog waiting to cross the road. Obediently the dog sat beside his master waiting until for the audible beeping sound so that he could take his master across the road safely.
The little lad watched as the dog stood up when beeping sound started and proceeded to pee on the old man's leg!
The little lad watched intently as the old Blind man calmly reached into one of his pockets and took out a treat and gave it to the dog.
The little lad rushed over to the old blind man and said " Excuse me mister but I saw your dog pee on your leg and you reward him.....why ? " The old boy replied " I'm not rewarding him I'm just determining where his mouth is so I can kick him up the arse...!
An Old Man And Jesus
An old man dies and goes to heaven and he proceeds to frantically search in the garden of Eden looking for someone. Very soon he comes upon Jesus who is strolling casually. On seeing the old man confused and upset Jesus asks who the old man is looking for ?
The old man says that he is looking for his beloved son. Jesus replies that there were many sons in heaven and asked the old man to describe him. The old man states that the only redeeming features his son had was that he had holes in each of his hands....Jesus listened intently.... and holes in each of his feet!
Upon hearing this Jesus started to get misty eyed and tear up he hugged the old man tightly and exclaimed "Father....Father.....at last!...." To which the old man replied "PINNOCHIO !?"
Stay Tuned, there are more How Well We Age Jokes being posted by Christopher Howell soon.